Overweening Generalist

Thursday, November 22, 2012

I Get (Imaginary) Letters...

So hey yea! kiddies! Its time to open up the Ol' Mail Bag. Let's see what my phantom friends/fiends/detractors/slavish admirers have for the OG...(NB: a few of my correspondents seem to have zero clues about properly formatting their email Qs for me; the problem lies with them, not your humble OG.)

 Dear Overweening Generalist dude,
    A friend turned me on to your blog, saying you were all into Robert Anton Wilson and conspiracy 
    theories and the Deep State and stuff like 'at. But you hardly write about that stuff at all. Oh, there are 
    a few pieces here and there. Are you holding out on us? What gives?
    (Signed) Disgruntled

Dear Dis: first of all, get your gruntle back; you'll never know when that shit will come in handy, and besides, I'm not worth the loss of it. (BTW: what's with your fucked-up formatting?) While I'm truly fascinated in all that stuff you're fascinated in, and I have a lot to say, I'm not sure this blog is the place for all that, and besides, when I last looked, there were precisely 789 million other sources online for conspiracy theories and paranoia, really meaty stuff about the Deep State. The more I've delved into that whole schmeer the more model-agnostic I've become about most conspiracy theories. And then again the NSA came to my door and used vaguely threatening language about me even "thinking about" (one of the three guys's exact words) writing about what I know. But thanks for reading!
Hey man: What's it like where you are? Here it's cold and sorta clammy, which is a drag because         I'm allergic to shellfish. (LOL!)
(no signature given)

Dear No Sig-
Hey man back atcha: I love jokes like that, and I thank you for sharing with me and not being...wait for it...shellfish! (HAHAHAHAHA! ROTFLMFingAO! Don't you love this Intrawebs thingy?) 
Stay cool, man. (Or, you could be a woman, in which case: you lucked out, eh?)
3.) Hi. I really liked your piece on bumperstickers and how people feel the need to express themselves 
     "safely," as you wrote. I agree that the sorts of sentiments found regionally can tell us something 
      about the local semantic unconsciousness. - Publius

OG: Uhhh...I haven't written that piece yet. How did you read it? This email baffles me. I have 
        sketched notes for that piece, but it's nowhere in my computer yet. This really freaks me out,
        because I would have written about what you say you've already read from me. Are you
        mistaking me for someone else? 

Publius: No, I read the piece in Overweening Generalist from, gosh, I don't have my computer nearby...sometime in mid-December of 2012?

OG: Wha?...How are you writing to me if you don't have your computer nearby?

Publius: Brain implants, muthafuckuh! They rock! I think a thought and my iNeuron writes it as sentences? Duh! Of course, it still requires effort on my part to think, "Message to Overweening Generalist blog." So they have a lot of kinks to work out.

OG: What? Are you putting me on? 

Publius: Oh, no: I'm sorry! I forgot: you are writing before the time machines came in. I'm from 2027. I should've said that earlier. Sorry!

OG: Okay, I'll bite: if you're from 2027 and you've read a piece I haven't written yet, then how are we exchanging email right now, in my blog?

Publius: I'm not sure if I follow?

OG: You're not sure...? This makes no sense! You're freaking me out, "Publius."

Publius: Oh wow. Sorry dude. I was only trying to express how I like some of your pieces. Some of your other ones? Not so much...But hey: I'm no great shakespeare as a writer myself! 

OG: Ummm...okay, I'll grant you're from the future. Ray Kurzweil's most fervent admirers were right. But I still don't understand how we're conducting an email correspondence in "my time," right now, right where I'm sitting. Just answer that and I think I'll be okay.

Publius: They said we're not allowed to divulge that info, dude. But I swear, man: it's not a big dealio. Things will be okay, and btw: don't worry when they find something bad after your physical.

OG: All right: that's it! I'm tired of you fucking with me! I would like to politely request that you do not write me anything from 2027, as I'd rather just pretend the future can't be known. Humor me. Unknowableness gives me comfort.

Publius: Jeez-a-Louise! I'm sorry, asswipe! I contact you to say I like your piece and you jump all over my shit with a 15 year separation. Fuck you!

OG: Allright: I got carried away. I apologize. But can't you see that using a time machine can really freak out people from the past? By the way: how did they do it? I was sure Einstein's theory of relativity and all the other quantum gravity stuff and wormholes just were hopelessly unworkable.

Publius: Einstein's for schmucks! Do you know about n-dimensional tensile matrices and Gilhooley's theory of antimatter aggregates?

OG: Nevermind. Have a great day, whenever you are.
4.) Dear OG,
     I noticed that, unlike bloggers who actually make money from their blog (and I'm aware of your
     rather unfortunate history with some clueless Puritan assclown d-bag from Google who scuttled
     your affiliate-derived income), you not only write far too much to hold the Average Reader, but you
     eschew the time-honored "5 Reasons Why You Should Do This and That To Make Your Life   
     Better" list-formula. Why? No offense intended. 
     (Signed) - SEO in Oshkosh

Good question. I don't do the listing thing for a number of reasons:
  1. I just think it's trite, and I'm a contrarian, maybe congenitally. Others would say I'm an a-hole, or worse: a hypocrite. One thing I'm not is a cheap Ironist, I'll tell you that!
  2. The List Approach seems so horribly formulaic I simply can't bring myself to stoop that low, and besides: it seems to appeal to that aspect of the quick I want it now I have the attention span of a poodle on meth thing in our culture. I detest what's happened to us. Did you read my post on long sentences? It's HERE.
  3. Furthermore, the List device violates my personal aesthetics derived from Nietzsche, Rorty, and (Groucho) Marx.
  5. I'm frankly afraid - and I hate to admit this - that the listing technique, approach, gadget, whatever: it might become addicting. And I'm okay with all sorts of addictions, but this is one I will not do. Sorry to disappoint you!
5.) Dear blogger,
In order to leverage user-friendly interest graphs to maximize social media feeds, I can show you how to synergize cutting-edge podcasting techniques in order to harvest the inverted output of crowdsourced, integrated models and reinvent a bottom up mashup to generate buzz and attract the most talent to your blog endeavor. (not signed)

Dear Robot,

Please watch the below video. It sums up my stance on your schtick really well:

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